by K Q E Hudson, a 29-year-old woman
I know that The Lord of the Rings is over. The Hobbit has begun blah blah blah That Big Old White Elf Ship has sailed (to where again? Heaven or something?). And it could not be more evident upon a recent viewing of The Fellowship of the Ring that these movies are older than I had realized. The slow shutter speed shots of the Uruk-hai look like TOTAL SHIT. What the fuck was that used-to-be-fat idiot in a polo thinking? But the release of The Hobbit got me to watch the three-part series again and I got to thinking. Legolas and Aragorn have to kiss.
Let’s talk about Legolas. From what I remember, he was America’s first taste of Orlando Bloom. I remember seeing the real Orlando Bloom in an interview after I watched the movie and being completely shocked by his ghastly, dark-brown, human hair and the presence of a mother fucking mustache. My sweet, clean Legolas was tarnished. But it is great to go back and see him how he was. A fresh baby to the acting world. So innocent and feminine, but so skilled and so strong. SO STRONG. The gentle competition he has with Gimli the dwarf, the sweet highness of his voice, the delicate precision of his fishtail braids. I mean, JESUS guys! Am I the only one drowning in a vat of my own secretions right now?
And Aragorn. Aragorn is after all, only human. No match to the race of the elves. And his hair is indeed almost constantly soaked in battle-sweat. But the subtle spacing between his pure white teeth and the rosiness to his tanned cheeks and his constant, underlying sadness and his ridiculous commitment to protecting some baby hobbits and his insanely romantic relashe with Arwen and the way he gazes at and clutches that Evenstar necklace… NEED I SAY MORE? This man is the hottest.
And here’s why those two should kiss. These men have made a pact together. A pact to protect the honor of the Fellowship, a pact to rescue Merry and Pippin, a pact to help Frodo destroy that stupid ring, in whatever way they can. During the Two Towers movie, Legolas rescues the Evenstar necklace from the scummy, dry fingers of a dying orc and we all see the look in his eyes when he thinks Aragorn is dead. Upon Aragorn’s return though, emotions get, should I say, a little bit heated. And this is when it should happen. Before the battle at Helm’s Deep. There is no hope, they are clearly outnumbered, and they have no clue that a bunch of elves and Gandalf’s crew are eventually going to show up and save their asses. They like, KNOW they are going to die. And they’re arguing because Legolas is freaking out that they aren’t prepared and Aragorn is all like “Then I shall die as one of them!” And then later, Legolas apologizes to Aragorn and is like “You’re right, sweetheart. You have never led us astray, I shall follow you, blah blah blah.” And then Gimli shows up and TOTALLY WRECKS the sexual tension with his boobs flopping around underneath his baggy armor. “Tight across the chest!” he adds, completely fucking over everyone watching the movie, destroying that perfect, tender moment.
Here it is guys, the perfect time to kiss. Forget Gimli, he’s dead to me.
Let’s set the scene a bit more. Legolas, Aragorn: you’re both scared fuckless. Aragorn, you’re feeling pretty cool because like, EVERYONE trusts you and is waiting for you to tell them what to do. Legolas, you are totally getting in the mood to kill the fuck out of thousands of orcs and Uruk-hai. You are both horny with power AND defeat. PERFECT KISS TIME.
So here’s how it would go down. Oh my God, now I feel like it’s really going to happen and I am so fucking excited. Okay, okay, okay. EEEEEK!
Okay. So. Aragorn is busy forcefully thrusting on his armor and violently strapping all of his weapons on when Legolas, silently but gently says, “You forgot your sword.” Aragorn immediately softens when he sees Legolas’s gentle eyes and says “Oh, thanks.”
“I’m sorry I doubted you,” says Legolas lightly brushing aside a piece of Aragorn’s hair.
“No, no, it’s okay. It’s natural to be afraid,” says Aragorn, now blushing and trying not to meet Legolas’s eyes.
“I was afraid. For the young warriors, the women, the children, for us. For everything. But then I remembered, you will be leading us. Now, how can I be scared, huh?”
“Well, I don’t know, I mean, I have faltered before.”
“That doesn’t matter now. I have faith. In you. And in… us.”
“Us?” says Aragorn, now completely lost in Legolas’s eyes.
**STOP READING HERE IF YOU ARE TOO SCARED OF WHAT IS ABOUT TO HAPPEN**